The Nationals Enquirer

Enquirer Exclusive: Girl Power! NAAAts sign all-girls Tee ball team!

"We thought they really separated themselves. They were special players."
(Jim Bowden, via Washington Post, 6/28/2007)

"When you're building a championship club, you need [a bunch of 5-to-7-year-old Tee ball players]."
(Dana Brown, via The Nationals Enquirer, 6/29/2007)

Roster shocker! Investment in scouting pays big dividends for NAAAts

Who knew the White House South Lawn Tee Ball game would be the next frontier for prospects?

According to sources, the struggling NAAAts offense received a shot in the arm late yesterday as the team inked the Allegany County Bobcats to a variety of major and minor league deals after a stellar performance at Wednesday's South Lawn Tee Ball game at the White House. Sources inside the organization tell The Nationals Enquirer that Jim Bowden, Chuck LaMar, Moose Stubing, Jeff Zona, and Dana Brown were all in attendance at the game. Five girls (Hannah, Haley, Ashley, Megan, and Brittney) were immediately assigned to the 40-man roster, filling the five slots vacated earlier this week in a flurry of moves by the front office. Manny Acta reportedly considering adding 5-year old Brittney to the platoon in center field: "She can't hit, so we should probably give her a shot."

Meanwhile...

• John Patterson seeks out 11th, 12th, 13th opinions on his elbow. Something tells us he'll still be searching next year at this time, and the year after that...
• At the risk of sounding like a complete hypocrite after being FOR the rumored trade for the severely character-challenged Elijah Dukes and more recently hoping Milton Bradley would land in Washington, let's just throw this out there for Jim Bowden (I know you're reading this, Jim): For the love of Jesus Colome: Don't even think about ANY move involving Shea Hillenbrand. Why? He's a bad guy, that's why.
• Zimmerman, via Nationals dot com, comments on The Plan: "Hopefully, next year, like they say, they get some money, go out and get a few guys."
• Thom Loverro piles on a little.
• Most interesting storyline going into the weekend: a plan by disgruntled Pirates fans to stage a Walkout Saturday night! Meanwhile, Tony Armas still stinks.

Bring on the Pirates!

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Da Meat Hook deserves All Star nod...

"On our team, he's our obvious guy."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Times, 6/28/2007)

But what happens if he gets traded before July 10?

It's only a matter of time before da feel-good story of the season gets moved*, right?

The NAAAts have to send one All Star representative by default. But if it's not Da Meat Hook, good luck making an argument for anyone else on the roster.

*and with all the movement on the 40-man roster, it sure seems like something big is coming...

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

An argument for the Mercy Rule

"This isn't the first team I've broken out of a slump...I've broken a lot of hitters out of slumps over the course of my career."
(Micah Bowie, via Washington Post, 6/28/2007)

Braves 13, NAAAts 0: In Little League, they would've called this one in the 5th.

What else can you say? 13 runs, 22 hits for Atlanta -- that's a lot!

On to Pittsburgh...

(AP Photo/Gregory Smith)

Wat the Fu*k!?

"It's not something I'm excited about, but I did all I could do while I was here. I will go back down there and keep playing."
(Brandon Watson, via Nationals dot com, 6/27/2007)

Fick's back, Nook stays, Watson goes down: It doesn't add up.

Yeah yeah yeah, Watson had an option left and Logan was out of options, but what was the worst possible outcome of putting Nook Logan on waivers? Somebody picks up Nook from the waiver wire!? Really!?

If 2007 is all about "throw it up against the wall and see what sticks", then for the love of Jesus Colome could they just throw Brandon Watson up against the proverbial wall? Leave him out there for a few weeks? Most likely he won't stick, but we already know that Nook won't either. (Hmmm...maybe it is all about Alex Escobar...) 

(Nook Logan: AP Photo/Julie Jacobson. Brandon Watson: AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

Bac Breaker

"In so many words, crap."
(Mike Bacsik, via Washington Post, 6/27/2007)

Braves 6, NAAAts 2: Big Flies Kill NAAAts. Bacsik suffers a sprained neck watching the ball leave the yard. Where's the offense?

(AP Photo/Gregory Smith)

No McCann Do

"But yeah, we have encountered every worst possible scenario. I hear a lot of teams complain about their injuries and stuff, and I guess ours is not such a big deal because we're not supposed to win."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 6/26/2007)

Braves 4, NAAAts 1: Brian McCann is a one man wrecking machine (4 RBI). Hey, a nice showing by Jason Bergmann, welcome back.

Meanwhile...

The Cristian Guzman Era takes another cruel turn. Damn. You gotta feel for the guy, but look on the bright side, at least it's not a season ending "soft-tissue infection in the right buttocks."

Shawn Hill gets a sort of clean bill of health from Dr. Andrews: Tendinitis. The Nationals Enquirer would still like to see Hill shut down for the rest of the season.

(AP Photo/Gregory Smith)

A double shot of redemption

 

"You just go to the guys, and tell them, 'Hey, the sun will rise tomorrow'."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 6/24/2007)

NAAAts 3, Indians 1: Simontacchi and Cordero, etc. etc. Still hard to believe that if not for Cordero's meatball to Victor Martinez Saturday night, we'd be talking sweep.

Meanwhile:

• Bergmann returns tonight!
• Guzman to the the DL?! Well at least he doesn't have what Jesus has: No matter how you say it, "soft tissue infection in a right lower extremity"  or "soft-tissue infection in the right buttocks", it's just doesn't sound good.
• NAAAts trade LevAAle Speigner for a player to be named later, who coincidentally also turns out to be named LevAAle Speigner. Or Darnell McDonald. This rule 5 stuff is too complicated for us to get the facts straight.
• Boz.

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Shut Hill Down

"In my mind, I'm hoping it's just a little inflammation, maybe a shot will calm it down. It's obviously something more than just a little scar tissue that's causing the problem. I'm starting to get to the point where it's continuously there."
(Shawn Hill, via Nationals dot com, 6/23/2007)

Shawn Hill seeking a third opinion on his sore elbow. The Nationals Enquirer provides a fourth opinion:

See you in '08, Shawn. Time to shut it down.

Not to be outdone, the former alleged Ace John Patterson looking for several opinions on his sore arm, too. The Nationals Enquirer has several opinions on his sore arm...

(AP Photo)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo(k)!!!

"Whenever you make a mistake, chances are they're going to make you pay. And that's what happened."
(Chad Cordero, via Washington Post, 6/24/2007)

Indians 4, NAAAts 3: Chief coughs it up, Nook's ninth inning blunder kills it off.

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. This one hurts.

The Brandon Watson highlight reel and a real nice start by Matt Chico effectively erased from the books.

Is this the end of the Nook Logan era in Washington?

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Pave the Anacostia!

"The biggest thing still out there is coming up with an inventory of parking spaces to meet game day requirements."
(Allen Y. Lew, departing D.C. Sports and Entertainment Commission chief executive, via Washington Post, 6/23/2007)

Fenty pays a visit to the new ballpark site, Lew washes his hands of the little problem of 8,000 missing parking spaces.

The Nationals Enquirer has the answer: Pave the Anacostia!